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Oh This Guy Sucks
Gasp in horror at my rants. Content warning for me being emo and chronically online sometimes.
22/05/25: Starting to think being able to do 40 hours a week while constantly around people is a myth. How is nobody else freaking out every day and having to call in sick at least once a week... and then I remember I've always been like this and I'M the weird one. Fuck fulltime and fuck society. I hate people dawg
21/05/25: The internet kinda has a misandry issue in a way people tend to overlook. And I'm not talking about radical feminism or whatever, be a "kill all men" type all you want, I'm staying FAR away from you.
No, I'm talking about the more subtle casual stuff you only really notice if you've tried to engage in spaces with a largely non-man-identified demographic for no particular reason. Queer spaces are the obvious example, but stuff like fandoms (which I don't engage with anyway) and art spaces (also don't engage with) can have exactly the same issues.
The issue is that people just tend to see masculinity that goes outside of the "safe" and "acceptable" margins (in which one has to remain exceedingly submissive or risk getting called abusive or toxic), as inherently... bad? I think the time I noticed it that upset me the absolute most was trying to find anything on tumblr that was catered to a gay male audience (not my proudest moment) and my search was clogged with hundreds of posts that were both exclusively t4t, but also treating said trans men as some secret third thing. Not actually men. I felt really alienated in a way that was bordering on uncanny. Like, why do these people SAY they're cool with men but then actively show negative opinions about those who don't fit their slightly emasculated criteria? Think about it.
In a way I guess it comes down to cis or heterosexual (or combined) men having a bad reputation, but it feels a bit strange to me how many trans men or non-straight men have to resort to outing themselves online just to not get the "toxic man invading our spaces" treatment. Idk. And the implication that being either trans or gay/bi/whatever makes you somehow less dangerous or less of a "real" man in the threat sense... it irks me.
Some of the most dangerous people I've had the displeasure of meeting (literal sexual predators) were queer in more ways than one, and that doesn't make me homophobic or transphobic (or see them as a threat), it makes me see them as equal to any other person in their ability to do harm. I wish that was common sense. Honestly at this point I feel more safe to be myself around cishet men who may end up calling me slurs, than I do around the queer people whose favorite word seems to be "f***ot".
14/05/25: Sometimes I lose myself a little and say I'm able to do something I'm actually not, and then I have to do damage control later on. Gets a bit tiring for both myself and the people around me. Such is life.
Drawing reminds me of highschool. All I did back then was draw, and I didn't understand why until suddenly I'm drawing all the time again. It's a great way to keep focus without distracting myself too much. It's shocking how a lot of people assume someone who's drawing is automatically not listening.
I have ears, dumbass...!!
10/05/25: I feel like people are a little TOO okay with sex these days, honestly. Yes, part of that comes from me being kinda lame and prude, but at this point people truly don't understand what's okay to share with strangers with zero warning anymore.
Someone in a discord server I'm in recently reminded me about how sites like TikTok will just have people openly sharing stuff like sex toys (usually businesses trying to sell theirs), kink and/or fetish content... the whole concept of booktok being 90% women sexually harassing TEENAGE BOYS in their comments and so on and so forth, without warning. It's fucking disgusting.
And with something like TikTok, if that shit ends up on your feed, you get no warning before you're jumpscared by it, because there's no thumbnail or title to check beforehand.
It made me remember that back when I used TikTok, even if my entire feed was completely normal content, although aimed at adults in the "this is boring for kids" way, I ALSO, once in a blue moon, got random videos of people like... straight up trying to indoctrinate people into their weird kinks (usually something heinous like DDLG, petplay, or hard kinks that could be actual health risks. remember when choking was a trend??? christ) between videos of cats being cute or something. It's nasty. Nothing I ever interacted with could possibly lead to that appearing on my feed, other than maybe a crude joke or two. It's insane how me not putting my account in the "I'm a baby don't show me swear words or queer people" mode, meant I'd sometimes catch a random stray bullet from some gooner community I'd never even heard of before.
And it's not like sexuality is bad or anything, it's just that these people don't really understand that some of us, even if we're adults, plain do not enjoy that type of content. You don't have to be asexual or sex repulsed to prefer a warning before being flashed with phallic imagery on your 6am TikTok doomscroll. Pisses me off.
Even after escaping TikTok, I was a habitual tumblr user for a few more years, and oh boy it does not end there. It's honestly way WAY worse on tumblr.
I'm still salty about Yahoo trying to make tumblr more kid-friendly (which is what they did with GeoCities, and that notably ALSO disproportionately affected the LGBTQ+ community over there), but now that they have a proper system for hiding mature posts while still letting them appear for those who want to see it, PEOPLE STILL DON'T FLAG THEIR POSTS APPROPRIATELY???
And with tumblr it's even worse because there's more leniency with what's allowed, so I'd just get random posts recommended through tumblrs dogshit algorithm of people talking about their rape and incest "kinks" because I accidentally interacted with a perfectly safe post that just so happened to be popular with FREAKS!!! It's fucked up how half the reason I use XKit these days is because I don't wanna see the random "we thought you'd enjoy this...♥" posts on my dashboard of somebody talking about how much they like watching movies with their dad, with a reply that's ominously tagged #CNC, #DDLG and #BDSM. Yuck.
09/05/25: I'm sick today!!!!!!!!!!!!! shoot me plz.
Anyway not much has happened in the past few days, but I'm struggling with the employment thing. I'm pretty sedentary in a psychological way, which means I don't take change in my routine very well. I need a routine to be able to recharge, and right now that hasn't really been a thing for me other than after I get home and can settle into my drink tea + eat snack + click around on puter routine.
So I'm losing sleep and my sanity meter is blinking red and making an awful noise, but I'm sure it's fine. Ignore that last time this happened I went batshit insane for a year.
On another note, I think I said this before, but the excuse to draw more just as a way to pass the time has been great. I was able to get a drawing done that'd been floating around in my mind for ages, and while it didn't end up perfect, at least now I know what to do whenever I end up redrawing it.
I think after suffering from burnout when it comes to art, it's important to figure out what made art so compelling in the first place for you. For me, it was a way to pass time, since I didn't have a lot of actual hobbies. Now that I'm bored and can't just play on my phone or make 3 billion websites I never use, I'm suddenly drawing again, although not as much as I used to. Idk if I ever will get back up to speed, but I'm enjoying it so far.
Oh, also, I've been struggling to find new books to read. Why are all the best-rated cute slice-of-life queer books about 17 year olds??? Can't we have a few more about people at least in college...? I'm still a young adult, where's the ones with people my age...?? why's all the ones with adults in it have to be a completely different genre?? or they for some reason fuck nasty every chapter???? "Red white and royal blue" fucking sucked, is my point.
I finished "They both die at the end" the other day, and it was really good. I think it really captured the heart of coming-of-age stories without making it feel really weird for me to read as an adult. I'm also a sucker for bittersweet stories, so I'm biased. I tried to read umm... the one about a NASA mission to Mars or whatever, but that one definitely felt weird to read, so I dropped it. I heard it wasn't that good either so whatever.
In a way I wish I could read the gritty complex stories in books meant for an adult audience, but I read for escapism, I don't wanna have to get invested in fantasy politics. I also generally just don't like romance outside of reading about two characters falling in love, once it gets replaced with endless drama it's booorinngggg.
I said this on my BL page too, but my hypothesis that ones written by women don't hit right has stayed surprisingly accurate. I'm in my misogyny era I guess. It sucks because there's a ton of good ones written by women, but I just can't get into them because the characters feel alien to me.
03/05/25: I've really been wanting to get into programming lately, but the problem is that I can only learn things if motivated by an end result. I learned HTML by literally making a mockup in MSPaint and then. doing it? idk how to explain my process. I'm the same with art. I have a goal and then I just kinda.. get there. Can you tell I got horrible grades in school?
So anyway, I'm stuck here thinking and thinking about wtf I could possibly want to do that requires ANY amount of coding. I thought of the visual novel I was tinkering with a year ago, and then remembered I didn't actually want it to be all that complicated... I thought about my website(s), and then remembered I don't want those to be all that complicated either......... You see my issue? I'm a no nonsense type of guy. I don't even like automating things because I'm the kinda freak who enjoys renaming a bunch of files manually. I enjoy CSS and HTML way more than the idea of making a game or something. It's genuinely more appealing to me to make a visual novel in the form of a website than an actual game :( *saddest sniffle you've ever heard*
I'm sure I'll figure out something I wanna do eventually. I'd love to work as a tester but that requires knowledge of how things can go wrong, or *shudder* learning about security things.
01/05/25: Been thinking about finding an alternative to Discord, now that news have come out about them aiming to go public (idk why people are surprised with how much it's turned to shit over the past few years). It's kinda strange doing it myself. Last time I switched my go-to chat program, it was going from Skype (and Teamspeak) to Discord back in... 2017? Either way, I was one of the last of my friend group who switched over, and it's kinda strange that I kept that same friend group up until just recently.
Now, I've moved on from those people, and I don't really NEED to use Discord anymore since I mainly use it for keeping in contact with actual friends, and all the new features making it into more of a social media platform, are completely useless to me.
So basically, I've been really into the idea of making my online social life more... well, "primitive." The only problem is that there's not a lot of alternatives that seem right for my needs, which are:
- Basic anonymity (i.e. no phone numbers or email addresses as usernames)
- Private and group messages
- Ability to send images and small files
I don't need voIP, I don't need video, and I don't need to make groups over 10-20 people. I'm sure there's thousands of programs like this out there, but the problem is finding something that's got some level of guaranteed privacy/security (nothing big, just like. y'know. a little bit?), doesn't require a degree to understand/use safely, and most importantly: actually has people using it. And nobody uses anything other than WhatsApp or Discord. Or fucking... facebook messages idk. It seems a bit futile, but I'm guessing something new will pop up once Discord goes public and people desperately try to find something new.
On a completely different note, I'm definitely just gonna start studying again, I don't even care. The employment thing I've been at for the past week is so ridiculously bad that I left mid-day yesterday and just went home. Complete waste of my time, ruining my sleep quality and schedule for absolutely no reason. If I'm gonna be busy every day from 8am to 5pm, I'd rather spend the time on actually, y'know, doing something. All we did the past 3 days was just sit around, listen to lectures on stuff I already knew (or doesn't apply to me), and having to put up with people talking so loud my ears physically hurt. Oh, and people talking TO ME, as well. I couldn't even get job applications done in time because I would come home too exhausted to do anything other than recover my social battery and sleep.
29/04/25: You ever change something up that's supposed to be for the better, but it just makes you feel so so so much worse? I've got that going for me right now. Went from half-time employment training to full-time whatever you could call sitting in a classroom all day learning about shit I already knew about the employment market. "Network network network. Why don't you have a LinkedIn? Surely you have SOME experience worthy of putting on a resume. Don't you have friends who can refer you to their workplaces?" I was born from a flower yesterday kthanks.
It just makes me so frustrated being in a group of people going through the same shit over and over with no actual employment opportunities in sight, because nobody wants to hire a guy who barely scraped together a highschool diploma post-dropping out, and then spent 2 years unemployed after. God it's miserable. Worst part is that I now have to get up at 6:30 every day for something I don't even get paid for.
I think I'm gonna try going to college out of desperation, even if I hate studying.
~6pm update: it went pretty well today, but I'm still tired and can't say I've been productive. Giving it a week or two. Idk.
It's also hot as fuck outside all of a sudden. I went out freezing half to death in the morning and now I'm drenched in sweat after sitting in a hotass car on the way home. It's fine though, I'll just dress better tomorrow.
I got out of my writers block the other day! I don't know what happened, but I got struck with inspiration all of a sudden and finally figured out where to go with the chapter. Even sketched scenes from the story at the employment thing, I'm having fun with that at the very least.
26/04/25: Sorry for updating frequently, I get like this whenever I start a new project LOL.. I'll slow down soon once the initial fixation wears off.
I've been thinking about what direction I want this site to go in, and I'm leaning towards making it for my interests. I like infodumping, but need a lot of time and editing to do it "right", so I end up not talking to my friends about things I enjoy other than migraine-fueled rants.
I specifically read through Layercake's entry on originality, as well as the posts he linked in that. This one in particular really spoke to me, because I also really enjoy reading and writing long winding pages about niche topics, and feel like people really don't do that enough.
Maybe I just miss them when I click through sites late at night, who knows.
Either way, it's made me rethink how I use my site(s). My neocities page is mostly dedicated to music recommendations, which is pretty much the only thing that I enjoy about that site now. Here I feel a lot more comfortable ranting about random stuff, where Neocities just feels a bit... well. Open? Soulless? You get what I mean.
So anyway, I'm probably gonna lock in fully on writing way too long pages about random things I have a love/hate relationship with, which is most of my interests, tbh... It's gonna be an awful lot of copy pasting whenever I make new ones, but I like having them all accessible from every page, and not hidden behind a category. It brings more attention to them.
I also intend to make my site a bit more accessible, but I'm a flawed person who's a little too selfish and lazy to do it right away, sue me. I know it's a bit ableist of me, but at least I acknowledge the problem unlike a lot of other people making websites these days. It will be done one day.
Anyway, my next big "interests" rant will be about gay media, which will probably end up being 90% me lamenting about it not even being written for gay people to begin with. See you then.
25/04/25: Took a short walk today because I missed my stop on the bus, and it was really nice. I've been walking to work every day (and doing manual labor) for the past few months, and I didn't realize how much of a difference just a bit of daily exercise does. Sedentary lifestyle begone!!
Speaking of "work", it's just training, and that's apparently over now, so I'm moving on to different employment stuff. Gonna be interesting :) I'm hoping this will actually lead to a job, I'm so tired of not actually having a real job. In the words of the average USAmerican infrastructure planner: Just ONE more internship...
I went through some old journals from the past few years yesterday with some friends, and I'm happy with the progress I've made. I actually feel like a real person now which on its own is worthy of celebration. Just a little one. Imagine one single piece of confetti falling down the screen now, please.
Anyway I mostly just had fun reading old entries of me figuring out who I was as a person after finally snapping out of a several years long "I don't know who I am but I'm definitely not [who I actually am]" phase.
Basically all my old entries from that time amounted to:
24/04/25: I think there's something kinda significant about the way we all desperately want to document ourselves online (or offline) to some degree. Maybe it's something that comes with the existential awareness of "oh shit one day we're all gonna die", that pushes this desire to leave a mark on the world.
Back in the days before the internet, it was even easier to be lost, and so we (as humanity) started creating art, culture, and building insane legacies. Now, even when it's harder than ever to live without leaving a single trace, that urge still remains. And so we create art, still, and we make our little profiles, and we write blog entries on the world wide web giving our thoughts on things and rant existentially about random shit (guilty!), not because we mean anything with it, but because we want to leave a trace of ourselves behind.
Idk, that's what I think, at least. Realistically this probably comes from it being a great way for our brains to encourage having kids, but it's interesting how that just kinda leeches into every aspect of our lives. I don't even want kids, but I'm always trying to leave traces of myself behind regardless.
On a completely different note, I found a site yesterday talking about an issue they had, and despite knowing the solution, I had no way to contact them. Pure torture for the "I know how to do it so I should just show them" soul. Hope they find the solution.
Maybe I should leave a way to contact me as well..... idk.. (visibly anxious)
23/04/25: Got a change in my routine and got so upset I had to stay home from work cuz I wouldn't stop crying randomly. I felt pretty good about my outfit too, so I'm sad I didn't get to wear it out. I guess I'll just have to wear it tomorrow instead. Ended up just drawing the mascot wearing it LOL...
I'm still having fun with this site so far, and I got to finish the page I was writing now that I'm home, at least! I'm always itching to do something more with this, but it takes so long to come up with stuff. I'm not great at brainstorming tbh.
I've also got a project where I'm writing about my two favorite OCs out of pure self-indulgence, but after finishing the last story arc, I've been hit with another bout of writer's block. I could just skip ahead and write the big dramatic part I have in mind for later, but by the time I fill in the gaps for that, I might have changed my mind about 90% of it anyway. It's difficult writing slice-of-life and still making it interesting, as I've found out. I have a lot more respect for my favorite authors now.
The trees are finally turning green again, btw. I'm super stoked about it. I love summer so much.
21/04/25: I really like what I've seen on nekoweb so far. Everybody has their own style and kinda does their own thing. It reminds me of what neocities felt like before people flooded to it thinking it was just yet another social media site and like 90% of sites used the same template. Plus, the smaller scale really makes it feel cozy.
I really enjoy clicking through webrings on here! I'd like to join one at some point, but I don't really know if I'm brave enough to do that yet.
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